Awkward conversations with the boss

Although I disliked working freelance full-time, it did come with certain benefits. A few of the best benefits included working alone, around your own schedule and being able to choose whether or not to work with the same employer again, once the task was completed. This meant that I soon fell into a terrible habit of mumbling my insane thoughts out-loud (as I do when I’m by myself) instead of adapting to my professional surroundings. When working in an agency, I’d often forget that I would be working with the same team for the foreseeable future.

Below are some conversations that genuinely happened during full-time employment. How thankful I am to have been employed.


Boss: “I’m going to have the pasta, I think, what are you going to have?”

Me: “Hey… this rock-salt looks like a bowl of crystal meth…”


Boss (during my interview): “You have such lovely long hair!…”

Me: “Oh thanks yeah, but it’s at that length where it gets stuck to your armpits, you know?…”


Me: “Do you like Chase & Status?”

Boss: “Jason who?”


Me (to the room, while eating a scotch egg, in an Alan Partridge voice): “Can anyone small gas?”

*no reply*


Client: “Sorry, I’m a little hungover today.”

Me: “Oh, having your beeriod? I totally understand…”


Me: “Did you like those birthday shark biscuits I made for you?!”

Boss: “Oh, I thought they were Pork Scratching’s?.. Nice though, yeah.”


Boss: “I love your skirt! Can I just do one thing…?”

Me: “Erm, sure?…”

Boss: *snips away the removable stitching that holds the split together* “Now you’ll be able to walk…”


Boss: “Those bites look awful, do you have any cream for them or anything?”

Me: “I did actually yeah, but I dropped the tube down the toilet while applying it to difficult areas…”


Boss: “Sarah, the client has asked for more links please…”

Me: “Like… the deodorant?”

Boss: “Like… to his other webpages?”