Oi, Spoilers!

Oi, Spoilers!

There are two kinds of ‘Spoilers’ in this world – the ones I’ve managed to hunt down and kill, and the ones I have yet to catch. (Actually, that would be a pretty cool job… like Buffy the Vampire Slayer but for some kind of spoiler-justice? Does anyone else want in on this?). But don’t worry, this post isn’t about actual plot-spoilers, it’s just about the people who spoil them.

***THIS POST MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS*** (and swearing, like most of my posts) (Game of Thrones-related)

It has been just over a week since the Game of Thrones finale (season Last-one-I’ll-ever-watch/5) and it didn’t take long for a particularly huge spoiler to flood the internet. The news would have destroyed most unsuspecting fans either way but it’s always harder to hear it from someone else, before 10am, while you’re still working on your first coffee of the day. Sigh.

The rise of social media has been the demise of plot secrecy.

I love using social media, it feeds both my hunger for communicating with actual human beings (vs. my animal fan club) and my subtly-aggressive stalking tendencies, but it means that nothing is sacred anymore. If you’re not watching something the second it happens, then you’re cursed to drown in your own tears just hours before you get the chance to witness it for yourself.

Is this pain inflicted accidentally? Sometimes yes, but not always. So I have divided the Spoilers into two categories, both still breathing (unfortunately) but one slightly more forgivable than the other:

1. The ignorant kind. The type of people who are just sooooo caught up in their own emotions that they have to share them with the world.

2. The spiteful kind. The type of people who purposefully ruin situations for other people. Even if they don’t watch it themselves. Yes, really.

As for the former – ‘Ignorance is not an excuse’? Sometimes it is. I can find it in my cold heart to forgive those who sneeze rather than spit. But seriously, the latter is a complete dick-move and it is what happened to the Game of Thrones finale last Monday.

I have a few words to say, not just to the person who posted the spoiler (cough, Daniel) but to the people who also defended him afterwards. It was even more frustrating watching you try (and fail) to fight your way through the landslide of abuse that followed. And quite rightly so – the status was removed eventually.

So, here are some messages from me to all the Spoiler-fans out there! May you die in some kind of beautiful irony – like getting tricked into a mass-murder where you are slaughtered by your own men. While dressed as a crow. In the North somewhere…

What was I saying, oh yes, some people’s INSANE responses to the spoiler (which angered me more than the spoiler):

‘You’re acting like this hasn’t happened before…’

I know that spoilers happen all the time. People probably ruined the end of the Bible before others got the chance to finish it (it has an end, right?). That doesn’t mean we’re all now suddenly immune to dick-heads. It’s like poking a bruise. It hurts just as much as the first time.

‘Avoid social media if you don’t want to read a spoiler’

Yeah, great, thanks. It’s not like I manage eight different Facebook accounts for clients or anything, let me just put all of their banter on hold while you vomit out some selfish status at 10am on a weekday, before the show has even been released in the UK. Plus, you know, my brother can untag photos of himself very quickly, I have to get there before he sees them.

‘It’s not real, get over it’

I feel so sorry for you if you’ve never found yourself absorbed into another world. Are you someone who sits in the cinema watching the audience instead of the movie? Well then you’re seriously creepy, get the hell out. I fall in real love with fake people a thousand times a day; it’s one of my favourite things to do and I’m not the only one. It hurts to reach the end of stories, especially when you’ve trudged through one hell of a journey to get there, and I have yet to find a character who wasn’t created by a real person. Just because the character can’t physically punch you, doesn’t mean I won’t.

‘I don’t watch it, so I don’t care if I spoil it for you’

Even if you were holding a cat covered in peanut butter, my dog still wouldn’t come anywhere near you.

‘The books have been out for ages’

I can barely keep up to date with the plot even when I can actually put a complicated name to a complicated face. I imagine that the Game of Thrones books are the opposite of page-turners – where you have to keep going back through the same page because there’s no ‘previously on…’ section and you have no idea what just happened. Some things are too complex for my mind, I wish I struggled to read your status that much.

So, if you could stop being the 2nd kind of Spoiler for a bit, that would be awesome. Just give it 24 hours in future, yeah? Maybe sleep on it? Especially if you don’t even watch the show.

You. know. nothing.

Crows. before. hoes.

For. the. watch.